The Reflection

An Undesired Marriage

Hiroshi looked over his family garden, taking in the the spring blossoms. Normally a sight that brought him good cheer, today the vibrant colors could not dispel the pit of grey that filled his stomach. After all, today he was to be married. And, he was not marrying the woman he loved.

Hiroshi was the first son of the Takahashi family and he was to marry the second daughter of the powerful Watanabe family, Chiyo. Hiroshi thought she was a nice enough lady, and pretty too, but neither of those things mattered. He was already smitten. Hiroshi sighed heavily, leaning his chin into his palm as he watched a butterfly flit from flower to flower.

Movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention, and Hiroshi lifted his head, looking for the source. There, walking down the garden path was Hana, the daughter of the Takahashi family groundskeeper. Hiroshi felt his heart begin pounding, and the grey blob that was his stomach twisted into knots. 'Not now,' he thought, sorrow and elation twisting round each other inside him.

“I thought I might find you here,” Hana said, her light voice touched with playfulness. “How are you feeling Takahashi-sama?”

Hiroshi felt as though he had been punched in the stomach. “Sama?” he asked, working hard to keep his voice even.

Hana laughed, a delightful, beautiful laugh, filled with the joy that seemed to spring endlessly from her. “Sorry, I thought we weren't supposed to be friendly anymore, Takahashi-sama.” She drew out the 'sama' in such a way to annoy him. She frequently used his honorific like that as a playful jab.

Hiroshi pulled his eyes away from Hana, looking for anything else to focus on. “Please,” he whispered.

“Please what?” Hana asked, her voice losing its playful edge.

“Please... be my friend for just a moment longer, Hana.”

“You don't wish to marry her, do you Hiroshi?” Hana asked.

“What I wish does not matter,” Hiroshi protested, voice cracking with stress. “You know that well. I must do this, for my family. We need the support of the Watanabe family.”

“I know what your family wants, Hiroshi,” Hana said, voice lowering. “What do you want though?”

Hiroshi looked back to Hana, saw her eyes, deep with concern, her brow furrowed with worry. “I cannot have what I want.” Hiroshi's voice was little more than a whisper.

“You could,” Hana said, her eyes pleading now. “Leave everything. We could run, you know I wouldn't mind. We could be anything. We could be free.”

“Please,” Hiroshi said. “Please don't tempt me. Not now. My heart cannot waver. I must do this. I love you, but I cannot discount the love for my family as well. Nor can I so simply lay down my duty.”

“Yes, so much good your duty does for you,” Hana said, looking away now, lower lip pouting. “You are forced into marriage with a woman you do not love.”

“That I do not love yet,” Hiroshi corrected. “Watanabe-san is a fine lady, I am sure I will grow to love her some day.”

“You hardly sound convinced of that,” Hana said, voice growing harsh. “And besides, what am I supposed to do?”

“You must let me go, just as I must let you go,” Hiroshi said softly

“Is that really it then?” Hana asked. “All our life we have been best friends. And now we have to just let go?”

Hiroshi nodded, looking down, away from Hana again.

“There has to be something...” Hana said, her voice breaking. “We have to be able to do something. I could... I could become your mistress!” Hana's voice was growing a bit shrill, and Hiroshi looked up again. Hana's eyes had grown watery. They swam with a pleading desperation, a deep wounding.

“Hana, I couldn't...”

Hana cut him off. “Plenty of lords take mistresses, Hiroshi. I wouldn't mind being number two, if it meant being with you.”

“Hana, you could never be number two,” Hiroshi said. Tears began to stream from Hana's eyes. “That is the problem. If I were to take you as a mistress, it would not be fair to either you or Watanabe-san. I would neglect her in favor of you. Further you deserve to be a proper wife to a good husband. If I were to do as you suggest, I would defile you both.”

Hana merely nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

Hiroshi looked to the sky, noting the sun's position. “The hour grows late,” he said, steeling his voice and his heart. “I must be going. Thank you for speaking with me, one last time, Hana-san.” Hiroshi stood, turning his back on Hana.

“Goodbye Takahashi-sama,” Hana whispered. Hiroshi began to walk away, and Hana watched his back through swimming eyes. “I love you Hiroshi,” Hana said, when he was far enough to not hear. Tears poured from her eyes as she too rose and walked away, away from Hiroshi, leaving her heart behind.

Hiroshi paused as he heard Hana rise behind him and leave. “I love you too Hana,” he whispered. Hiroshi closed his eyes, allowing the pain of their separation to wash over him. He breathed in deeply, and out deeply, allowing the emotions to pass, just as his father had taught him. 'I am the rock in the ocean of my emotions. I do not waver. The emotions are not me, and I am not the emotions,' he thought, taking one last deep breath.

Finally, Hiroshi opened his eyes and set his face. He walked the garden path taking the winding way back to the family house, and the room that was set for the ceremony.

As he walked, he came upon one of the footbridges that crossed the small stream that wound lazily through the garden. He stopped, looking at his reflection in the placid stream. His eyes were red, but his face was other wise stern. Perhaps some water would help?

He knelt down, scooping some water to wash his eyes, and as the water hit his face, he found himself deep in a memory.

Hiroshi was five years old, which for a Takahashi meant he was to begin learning. The way of court, the way of ceremonies, the way of the blade, and on and on. There were near endless lessons, and he was having a difficult time keeping everything straight. His one solace was that he was allowed time to spend in the gardens. After all keeping gardens was a noble hobby, nevermind that groundskeepers and gardeners really did all the work.

Hiroshi had knelt next to the stream to look at some of the fish swimming when he felt a bump on his back. It knocked him off balance, and his attempt to regain his balance merely twisted him mid fall such that he landed on his back rather than his front.

Looking up, past his sopping hair, Hiroshi saw a young girl, around his age, looking curiously at him. As he looked, an older woman, perhaps his mother's age was rushing towards them. “Hana! What have you done?” she asked, anger and a touch of fear in her voice. “That is young Takahashi-sama! You will be in big trouble for this!”

“No, no,” Hiroshi protested. “I won't tell...”

“You apologize this instant!” Hana's mother cut him off.

The young girl now looked a bit frightened, likely by her mother's own scared tone. “Yes Kaa-san.” She turned to Hiroshi and bowed low. “I am sorry Takashi-sama.”

“Its Takahashi-sama,” her mother hissed.

“Takahashi-sama,” Hana repeated. The girl knelt next to the edge of the bridge and held out a hand to help Hiroshi up. Hiroshi took her hand, and a devious thought crossed his mind. Smiling wickedly, Hiroshi pulled Hana into the stream next to him. Hana shrieked as she hit the water, but sat up a moment later, laughing joyously. “You got me good Takashi-sama,” she said as her laughter died down a bit.

Her mother looked absolutely aghast now, and was about to speak again when Hiroshi stood, helping Hana to her feet as well. He gave Hana a slight bow and said, “Please, call me Hiroshi. Will you be my friend?”

Hana's mother once again looked ready to cut in, but Hana answered with a very enthusiastic “Yes!” before she could say a thing.

“I'm glad,” Hiroshi said. “And, I won't tell my parents that you pushed me. As far as I am concerned, this was all one big accident.” He smiled at Hana, then her mother.

Hana, for her part, wriggled with barely contained glee. Finally, unable to hold back any longer, she jumped with joy, splashing water everywhere again. “Yay! Do you hear Kaa-san? I have a friend now!”

Hiroshi snapped back to the present and found tears welling in his eyes once more. He angrily swiped at them as the words “I have a friend now” played over and over in his mind. He stood abruptly, and before he could stop himself, had taken a half step back, in the direction Hana had walked.

He felt as though claws gouged at his stomach as he stopped, letting drop the hand that had reached out to pull her back to him. “Why?” he whispered. “I have everything in the world, except the one thing I want.” he stopped once more, falling silent. He breathed deeply again, once more letting the sorrow wash over him.

When it had finally passed, leaving him in control, he set his face again, harder this time, like stone. He began to walk again the path home.

Now as he walked, his eyes did not waver from the path, no matter the blossom, swaying in the breeze, no matter the insect flitting to and fro, he would not allow himself to be pulled back into his memories. As he was making this resolution, a glint caught his eye, and he looked up. There, upon a pedestal, was a decorative vase. It had been broken once, and the pieces fitted back together with an adhesive filled with gold flakes, granting it a stunning visual effect in the correct lighting.

However, the sight of the vase broke his resolution to avoid his memories, as he was pulled back to the day it had been broken.

True to their word, Hiroshi and Hana had become fast friends, and by the time he was eight and she seven, they spent every single one of Hiroshi's free moments together. Today, they were bouncing a ball back and forth in the gardens in a clearing where some of the Takahashi family vases were displayed. The goal of their game was to not let the ball hit the ground. The goal was complicated, in Hiroshi's mind, by the fact that Hana was also excitedly demonstrating some of the sword forms Hiroshi had been learning, though her own form was, of course, abysmal.

“Hiroshi! You were so cool today!” Hana exclaimed, making a down slash with her imaginary sword while she waited for Hiroshi to hit the ball back to her.

“You said that yesterday as well,” Hiroshi said wincing as she gave him an off pass, having recovered late after her imaginary sword swing. “And be careful, you're going to let the ball hit the ground!”

“Don't worry!” Hana said excitedly bouncing the ball back to him. She had a monstrous amount of energy, enough that Hiroshi had a difficult time keeping up sometimes. “And besides, you were cool today too.”

Hana had learned recently that Hiroshi was studying the use of a blade, and had begun to beg both her mother and Hiroshi to let her watch. Her mother had been adamantly against the idea, but Hiroshi had proposed it to his parents anyway. He was, of course, strategic about it. He talked to his mother first, so she could soften his father before he brought it up to him.

Surprisingly, Hiroshi's father was fine with the idea. He was quite supportive of their friendship as a whole, saying that it was good that Hiroshi get to know girls so he wouldn't act all brainless around them when he was older. Whatever that meant. And, since he didn't have any sisters, a young girl, even if she was the daughter of hired help, would do in his mind.

Hana's mother was less supportive of their friendship. She seemed to think it improper for someone of low standing to be friends with a noble child. But, despite her misgivings, Hiroshi being Hana's friend did mean that Hana wasn't pestering her mother all day, so she had relented as well. That, and it was difficult to argue when her employers, the parents of said noble child, both were fine with the idea.

It had been a week since Hana had started to watch Hiroshi's way of the blade lessons, and she had been continuously miming the moves she had watched Hiroshi learning. It was today that disaster would strike, however. Hiroshi bounced the ball to her, just as she stumbled over one of her imaginary slashes. The ball sailed past her and bumped one of the vases sitting across the clearing.

Hiroshi watched, horrified, as it wobbled in place for a moment before tipping on its side and tumbling to the ground.

Hana recovered, and followed Hiroshi's gaze to the broken vase, where her eyes went wide as well. “Oh no. Kaa-san said these were your father's collection. He is going to be mad, isn't he?”

Hiroshi swallowed and nodded, not trusting his voice.

Of course. Hiroshi's mother had chosen just that moment to walk by her husband's vase collection, and there she found her oldest son and his friend looking at the broken pieces of one of the vases, ball at their feet.

Both children's gazes swept up to her, fear darkening their faces. Hiroshi's mother raised an eyebrow, and though the children didn't see it, there was as much amusement as their was anger in her eyes. “Well, what happened?” she asked.

“I...” Hana stammered as she started to speak

“It was my fault,” Hiroshi said, cutting her off. “I made a bad pass to Hana. The ball hit the vase and knocked it off its pedestal.”

“I see,” his mother said. “You aren't covering for Hana again are you? You have a bad habit of doing just that, young man.”

“No!” Hiroshi protested.

“Yes...” Hana admitted, looking at the ground. “I wasn't focusing on our game and missed a pass I should have gotten. Its my fault.”

“That's not true!” Hiroshi protested again. “If I...”

“Enough,” his mother said, her tone ending the back and forth. “I think I understand now. I will talk to your father about this. In the meantime, I think we need to fix our mistake, no? Let me teach you about an ancient tradition of ours...”

Hiroshi pulled himself back into the present with difficulty, recalling how he and Hana had looked at each other so relieved to find that his mother wasn't going to punish either of them. Of course, his father didn't officially punish him, but he had been much harder on Hiroshi in lessons for the next week.

Hiroshi smiled sadly as he recalled the three of them repairing the vase. Hana had been enamored with the gold flake adhesive, as well as the final result of the repair. And, if Hiroshi was being honest with himself, he had been pretty impressed as well. He looked at the vase, considering. It probably looked better now than before it had been repaired. Although, perhaps that was bias speaking.

Hiroshi turned from the vase, glad that sadness hadn't overwhelmed him this time. Well, until he felt tears rushing down his cheeks again. He touched one, confused. “Why” he whispered, “why can't I move past her? I am supposed to be a man, master of my emotions. And here I am crying like a child.”

He saw in his mind Hana, her hands covered in bits of the adhesive. She had tried to shove them in his face, laughing madly. A sob wracked his body, and Hiroshi sniffed. Forcing himself upright, Hiroshi breathed in a deep, shaky breath. As he let it out, another sob followed. Grimacing, he held his breath a moment, pushing into the worst wave of sorrow as it crashed over him. He took another breath, steadier this time.

Finally able to outlast the rising sorrow, Hiroshi set out again, walking faster now. Determined to make it back to the house without breaking down again. He was close now, certainly nothing else could bother him.

As he rounded the last bend in the wandering path, the garden opened to a clearing behind the Takahashi manor. In the clearing grew a single sakura tree. It was a favorite of his family's. They would spend many evening beneath it, particularly in the spring. As he saw the clearing, another memory hit him, this time a recent one.

Hiroshi was sixteen and he had just won his first duel against his father in the way of the blade. They had both been surprised. Despite the fact that Hiroshi's father had begun to slow down as he got older, he was still a very proficient swordsman, and felt insurmountable to Hiroshi.

Still, Hiroshi's father had been so delighted, he had given his son the remainder of the day to do with as he pleased. And, so, Hiroshi now sat beneath the sakura tree with his father. They had talked for a while about small things, catching up with each others lives.

But then his father sprung a deeper topic on him. “Hiroshi. You are of an age to be married now.” Hiroshi looked over at his father, surprise and concern showing through a cocked eyebrow. “Your Kaa-san and I have been discussing arrangements for you.”

“Tou-san,” Hiroshi said, slipping into a pause in his father's speech. “I don't think I am ready to get married yet.”

His father smiled. “No worries. We have found a candidate, but she is not yet ready to be wed either. It will be a couple of years yet.”

“Do I know the person you have picked out?” Hiroshi asked, hesitation quivering in his voice.

“I doubt you know her, but you would have heard of her. She is the second daughter of the Watanabe family.”

Hiroshi's eyebrows shot up, and his father smiled at Hiroshi's surprise. “The Watanabe family? But...” The Watanabe family was one of the most powerful in the province. On the other hand their own family, Takahashi, had fallen in power in more recent generations.

“Yes, it took some negotiating. But, Watanabe-dono wishes to see his daughters all married to inheritors, and I moved quickly. Our family may not have the status it once did, but we were a powerful family once in our own right, so it was not difficult to convince him.”

Hiroshi sighed heavily. He had noticed girls of course, and now understood what his dad had said about being brainless around them. And, speaking of girls, there was Hana. She was grinning broadly as she made her way towards Hiroshi and his father. She stopped before them and bowed low, first to his father, then him. “Takahashi-sama, Hiroshi-sama.” Hiroshi's father had insisted that Hana show the respect befitting a noble, and had settle for allowing her to use Hiroshi's first name with honorifics, if for no other reason than to reduce confusion.

“I have brought you food for your break.” Hana held a small tray of onigiri towards them. The onigiri themselves were not quite the perfect shape they were used to from Hana's mother, who was a stickler for details.

Hiroshi and his father each took one. “Mm, delicious,” Hiroshi commented after finishing his first bite.

Hana's smile broadened at his comment. “Yay!” She was positively beaming, so Hiroshi gave her an inquisitive look. “I made those. It is my first time!”

Hiroshi's father gave her a small smile. “You have done very well Hana. Your mother is proud, I am sure. You are learning her many talents quite well.”

Hana squealed a bit in delight. “Shall I leave the rest?” she asked, then placed the tray on a small fold up stand between the two of them before either could respond. She gave another quick bow before retreating. She made a spin on one foot as she practically danced her way back to her work.

Hiroshi and his father looked back to each other, amusement at Hana's exuberance on both faces. Hiroshi's father got serious first. He sighed heavily before, “Hiroshi. You aren't going to like this.” He looked up, considering his next words. “I have seen the way you look at Hana. It is clear you are smitten.” He raised a hand to forestall Hiroshi's objection. “No, no, you cannot fool me. I have been in love before as well. Still am, thankfully. Anyway, it will never work. It cannot work. You are noble. She is not.”

“Tou-san, I...”

“No objections Hiroshi. I can understand why you feel the way you do. She is an attractive young woman. But it cannot be.” Hiroshi's father rose, talking a second onigiri with him. You do still have the remainder of the day off. Rest up, and consider my words.”

Hiroshi shook himself out of the memory, tears now streaming down his face. He took halting steps to the tree, falling to his knees beneath it. There was one other part of that day that had been important. Later, after Hana had finished her work with her mother, she had come to find Hiroshi again. By that point, Hiroshi had been dozing. Hana had come to him, waking him in the process, though she did not recognize it. She had knelt next to him, and whispered that she loved him, before kissing his forehead.

That was the moment that Hiroshi realized what his father said was true. He had known then that he loved Hana, beyond anything he realized possible. Hiroshi realized his forehead was now pressed against the bark of the tree as his body shook.

“Why? Why must I be a Takahashi? Anybody else and I could have what I want most!” Then came a nagging voice at the back of his mind. 'If you were anybody else, you would have never met Hana.' The words in his mind struck like a blade to his heart, tearing it in two. “Why must destiny be so cruel? No matter what, we were destined to be forever apart.”

Hiroshi felt a slender hand touch his shoulder softly, and jumped at the sudden presence. He whirled and there was Watanabe Chiyo. Hiroshi sucked in a quick breath. “Ah, I, sorry. I... uh... I didn't mean for you...”

“Worry not Takahashi-san,” Chiyo said, her voice kindly and sweet. “Your mother has talked with me at length about your situation. I know full well your feelings.”

“I... sorry,” Takahashi said, sniffing hard. “You don't deserve this.”

“I don't deserve a man so capable of loving that his heart is so wholly broken by loss? Takahashi-san, I only hope that I can someday come to be loved by you in equal measure. But it would be arrogant of me to expect such on the day of our meeting.”

“I do not know that such a day shall come to pass,” Hiroshi said. “And yet, do you not feel jealous?”

“A bit, I admit,” Chiyo said, a sad smile crossing her face. “But I know I need not worry. You are spoken highly of in regards to your honor. I know you shall not go back on your word, even if it is not the choice you would make for yourself.”

Takahashi felt sorrow wash over him again, and tears sprung anew in his eyes. He tried, and failed to hold them back.

Chiyo placed her hands on Hiroshi's shoulders. “If you need to, finish crying. I will not blame you. And you shall feel better when you are finished.”

Chiyo battered down Hiroshi's last defense with her words, and he could no longer hold back his tears, even if he had wanted to. He sobbed into Chiyo's shoulder for moments uncounted. Finally, his sorrow lessened.

He looked to her, sniffing one last time. “Sorry...”

Chiyo placed a finger on his mouth. “Speak no more of it. My parents think you lost track of time. Your parents understand, though I believe your father is frustrated with you.” She smiled at him. “I know I am not who you would choose, but Takahashi Hiroshi, will you walk this path with me all the same?”

Hiroshi swallowed then nodded, not trusting his voice yet. He stood, then helped Chiyo to her feet again. “Thank you,” he said, after a moment of looking into her eyes. She was not Hana. She could not replace Hana, with her boundless energy and joy.

But perhaps she didn't need to. Chiyo was kind. She cared about him enough to help him through his sorrow. How many other women would care about a man showing such weakness?

Hiroshi decided then. If he could not be with Hana, he would do everything in his power to make sure this woman, Chiyo received every bit of love he was able to offer. And, he hoped that would mean that Hana too would be able to find someone to love her in the way she deserved. It would only be fair that way.

He turned, facing the house. While he was not yet able to summon a joyful face, he no longer felt at the brink of breaking down. He looked to Chiyo, his bride to be. “Shall we go?” They faced forward together, and walked towards their new life.